If only.

My husband hates me, and so does my mum. Perhaps hate is too much of a word, but amidst a flurry of heated emotions, and misunderstood quarrels, it certainly feels that way. Coupled with screaming, whiney, attention-seeking kids, and the fleeting thought of suicide crossed my mind. It would be so easy to think checking out of this world was the answer for my hurt emotions. Let someone else worry about the kids' future and well-being. Let them work their ass off and earn the money. Let them see how difficult it is to juggle life and be unappreciated.

If only...

But I don't have the guts. And the thought of children growing up without a mother is too despairing a life. I imagine little girls fraught with sadness, rebelling against their grandparents and a father who always thinks he's right. And I do love my kids and would love to see their grandchildren.

God grant me peace, solace, and patience to deal with the anxieties of life.

Austerity measures. A soliloquy.

From 1st January 2013, I have been adopting austerity measures in a bid to save more money. The need to save more money is important to my husband's and my life goals, retirement plans, and my children's future. It's been four months and I am feeling the strain.

I was very determined in the beginning. I ate cheap, skipped lunch if I had a heavy breakfast, and never paid for someone to make coffee for me. I also stopped shopping for myself after Chinese new year. I do buy toiletries and necessities, but only when in dire need.

Recently, I realised my average lunch cost was getting higher and higher. I simply could not bring myself to eat some crappy food court meal at $4 anymore. $4 by many's standards is high for a lousy meal. But nowadays I was paying $6-12. I also spent a lot on my kids' birthday gifts. It felt like I was let loose. Consoling myself that it was a valid reason to shop, I bought anything on a whim. You can't blame me, I was shopping-repressed.

Just today, I had a disagreement with the husband on travelling by budget airlines for a holiday. A friend advised against budget airlines for an 8-hour flight. I totally understand the pain, especially with two 2-year olds in tow. But the hubs balks at the few thousand dollar bill just for flights. I understand that pain too. It seems so much for a one week's worth of gratification. But I'm angry still. Whatever it is, I'm disappointed and angry.

You see, I've been working very hard these last four months. Working my ass off in whatever time I had. I've had numerous jobs and they pay me alright. I earn a good keep, not great but good. I am tired working two jobs (the other being a full time mom!) in 16 hour shifts (or 24 hour if you consider a mom's job), and here I am, not able to reap any reward for my hard work. I don't have time for pedicures, I don't go for facials or spa treatments. I don't shop. I hardly have time for lunch chats or tea sessions with friends. I don't go on holidays. And I always feel pressured to eat the cheapest food available.

Am I normal to feel the need for instant gratification? I know If I wait, better things will come. But this wait makes my patience grow thin. It's also sad to see how everyone else around me seemingly having a much more fun time than I am. I feel entitled and I know that is quite wrong too.

As I wrestle with these feelings, the dawn of a new day beckons. And it's back to the grind again...

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Crap, its 2am, and I'm still awake. As I lie here regretting my caffeine excess today, I marvel that my little girls have turned 2, and that on this day 2 years ago, they were pulled from my tummy (the one that's still way too big and flabby...), and brought into my world. It's been an amazing journey, a rollercoaster of emotions, more to come I'm sure.

As I ponder my future and impending change, I hope to be able to spend more time with friends and family, so that my kids can know them too, and come to love them like I do. Things come and things go... I made new friends in these 2 years, and lost some too. And as my kids reach school going age (in Singapore, even nursery is considered school), I hope that they will be able to make friends and cherish them for years to come. At the moment they have each other, and it's not always peaches and cream with their completely different personalities. Still, the joy of the experience of twins is something that will always be previous to me.

Just needed to rant

I have been busy, super super busy. If it's not the home and the kids, I have many projects going on now (including the ultra secret project which I can't wait to tell everyone), and clients to be responsible to.

Sometimes, I meet people who aren't willing to pay me the charges I ask for. And this highly irks me. It really ruffles my feathers when I see them toting Prada bags, wearing Ferragamo shoes, with a Rolex or IWC watch, and now and then, a multi-carat ring on the finger. I know my stuff, but no, I cannot afford them. I barely earn enough to pay my bills, support my kids, and go for a pedicure once a year. I live in an HDB flat, and drive a cheap Japanese MPV. It's a family car, not my own. Thus, I do not understand when someone who earns as much a week as I earn a month can tell me my charges are high, or that I should give them a special price, or that I should strike them a good deal.

I don't understand the attitude. Is it a selfish "I want to spend as little as I can even though I have loads, and I don't care that you earn so little", or do they genuinely think I make loads of money from other clients so it's alright I give discounts to them? I lie awake at night sometimes, thinking how hard it is to bring up my kids in Singapore, and how I cannot afford the things I see everyone have. I don't get bitter, or have sour grapes, but I do yearn wistfully for more money, if only to justify my desires, or project a perceived success. I know I am blessed to have health, a family, and wonderful children. But we all need to put food on the table, or kids through university, and everything gets more expensive by the day.

I am so sick of this. And yet I cannot tell people off. Someone might bear the brunt of my suppressed feelings one day, but until then, I have to grit my teeth and bear it. If you are one of those who have the "I want to spend as little... yadda yadda" attitude, take a step back and look at the person you are paying. It could be the stallholder in the kopitiam, or a very nice person who does graphic design for a living. Think about how they just want to have the same kind of life you lead.

The demise of old things

I lament the demise of old technology, and some other things from the past. Recently, my printer told me the (very old) machine they had which could do a specific type of embossing for printing had spoiled. Being an old machine, there was little chance to get it repaired. I was distraught as a client had ordered her invitations to be done with the embossing. Being very nice printers, they asked around friends and peers, but nobody was doing this printing method anymore. I was dismayed. Partly because I knew my client would be too, but also because I could not offer this service to future clients... and it really is a pretty effect.

I also heard that the wet market near my home was slated for a month-long renovation. Mother in law was distraught. Hubby said we could just get groceries from NTUC, no big deal. But wet markets are different. There you can get large sized eggs at $1.90, which at NTUC would probably be $3.00. And garlic comes supersized too -- more fragrant and juicy and nice to cook with. Vegetables are also plumper and fresher.

I hope wet markets never cease to exist in Singapore. It would be a time to mourn indeed.

A prayer of thanks

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the last 365 days of my life. Exactly a year ago at this time, I was waiting in the hospital for my operation to begin. I was excited to see the two little precious princesses who were squirming in my belly. A year has passed and my little girls are now nearly walking and talking. They are getting so smart, so playful. They love to eat, play, and go on outings. It's incredible how You have blessed me. Before this one year, I would never have thought this life was possible, it had existed merely as a hazy dream that I could see but not touch.

Thank you so much for giving me this year. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences, and will definitely continue to do so. But I am happy, and grateful.

In Your holy name.

Amen.

One year!

It's incredible that I have not put in a blog entry in the last 6 months! I have been mighty busy with work and the babies. Sometime after the 6-month mark, they became super demanding, usurping all my time. I could not step away from them without them screaming and crying like the world's gonna end. They had their toys and each other, but it seemed like an adult had to be around to make them feel safe and secure.

In any case, here I am now, hoping to pen my thoughts down. The kids are asleep, mostly through the night, lucky us(!), and I shall spare a few moments to share my experience of crossing the one year mark.


First off, I must remark it has indeed been very fast. In the beginning when the babies just slept, drank milk and pooped all day, I felt tired and bored and time seemed to go very slow. I never believed, or dared to imagine, when some other parent told me how time goes faster with kids. And then when they started trying to talk, and crawl, and walk, and eat solids, etc, the days just whizzed by at breakneck speed. At one moment, I was looking forward to Christmas, or Chinese New Year, or their first holiday... the next moment, their first birthday party is over already. The girls had a swell time I think. I did, though I wished I had more time to chat with anyone for more than 2 minutes! Amelie didn't even want to sleep and had to be coaxed to after 2 hours of playing. Astelle took a 30 minute snooze and got up to say hello to the many guests, and meet the other little babies her age.

Also, babies learn very fast and soak up information like a sponge. It was interesting to see that you just needed to tell them certain things a few times and they'd get it. For example, they clipped their fingers on the drawers a few times and after that, learned to be cautious. They also learned words of their favourite toys like ball or bear pretty fast. However, it does not work when you scold them many times over and over again, not to touch the fan or play with electrical sockets. Arghh!


It's been an amazing journey this past one year. I recently visited a friend who just gave birth, and her baby seemed so small and fragile. It made me think back to the year before when my babies came out all skinny and shrivelled, small but precious. They could only lie down and not do anything, and couldn't use their hands to pick up things. *Sigh* time flies indeed... very soon, they will be 21 and graduating from school...